Motherhood...It's not a competition

I received a text from a lifelong friend who was at her wit's end with her two year old recently.  Her friends don't seem to understand.  Their sweet and innocent children don't throw tantrums, aren't back-peddaling with potty training and haven't turned into little pea-soup spewing, head-spinning aliens.  (Liars.)  Not to mention she's pregnant.  

Oh dear, did the memories come rushing back.....   

Spitting.  Hair pulling.  Pinching.  Stiffening of the back.  Getting in a car seat?  Forget about it.  I forgot slapping too.

Cole got kicked out of KinderGym for being too physical.  (The place had a foam pit and padded walls.  HELLLOOO??????) 

He was in time out EVERYDAY at preschool. 

Kindergarten was spent in the principals office.  A LOT.   

This is when I started researching things like "ADHD" and "The High Spirited Child" and of course "To Spank or Not to Spank."

Demi?  That is it's own blog post in itself.  Let's just say her nickname was "Demolition Demi." 

The list goes on people. 

A million blog posts have been written about this same topic so I'm not going to beat a dead horse.  However..... I am going to briefly touch on ONE thing here.  It's about us parents.  My heart went out to my dear friend who sent me that text.  You know why?

She feels alone. 

And she's not.   

So instead of us Mom's shrugging our shoulders because "our child would never do that" why don't we embrace this Mom and be there for her?  Too many times as a very young Mother I questioned my abilities as a parent because my kid seemed abnormal and what was I doing wrong?  I wasn't doing anything wrong. 

I just didn't have any friends. 

Feeling alone is a horrible feeling, especially when staying at home with kids.  No one gives you a "gold star" for getting the laundry done, cooking dinner, managing a shower and teaching your toddler to pee in the toilet.  My Mom has always said, "It's the hardest job in the world."  And it is.  So Moms......  HELP each other.  Listen to each other.  Be there.  This isn't contest.  No one really cares that your baby can sit in a saucer at three months old and mine can't.  

To my single parents out there?  I love you.  There's a special place in Heaven for you. 

It truly takes a village.  

And when you see someone's kid on the ground having a hissy fit at the bank, don't stare, offer to open the door or give a warm smile.  No judging. 

 

Aloha.

 

p.s.  Thank GOD my kids were crazy toddlers.  You know why?  At 10 and 12 they are articulate, outgoing, social, intelligent people who I know will make it in this world.   

(Even though it made me go grey super young, and I'm pretty sure my nose has been kneed and elbowed a million times, OH and they are STILL in my bed.) 

This post is for Shawna, Mariah, Kerri and Suzanne.  :)  

 

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Miss Lyla Mae

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Words aren't necessary for this little angel.  Let the images speak for themselves.  Congrats Scott and Molly!!! 

p.s. Thank you to assistants Demi Lynn and Dog Chase for your contributions.  :)  

I love you Gordon.

Rest in Peace Gordo.

 I will love you forever and ever.  

I don't know what else to say because I'm dumbfounded with grief.  You think you are prepared for loss because with an illness this bad you know it's coming.  But nothing prepares for your for"ever."

My Mama held his hand on his way out.   

 

Peace & Love.   

 

If you would like to send your condolences please send to: 

Robin Norris

4435 Lwr. Honoapiilani Rd.  #143

Lahaina, Hawaii 96761

 

Thanks for all the love friends.   

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Win or lose, it's how you play the game. Just get those penalties boy!

When we moved to San Diego one of my requirements for the kids was to get involved.  We've enjoyed everything Maui was all about and it was time to take advantage of what San Diego and the "mainland" had to offer.  I'm a big believer in team sports.  Cole has never had any real interest.  Demi either.  One of my many parenting challenges....get them on a team and get excited about it.  

LACROSSE. 

We had NO idea what we were getting into.  Little did I know, these boys were groomed from a very young age to take this aggressive sport well into high school and beyond.  Below is a photo from Cole's first game.  Of course I'm all excited and pumped for him, but as I start observing, I start panicking.  FUDGE.  These boys are big.  It was like slow motion...I could hear the crush of bones and grunts and yelps.  It was straight out of a movie.  My 82 lb skinny surfer kid was going to get killed out there.  All because of my selfish desire for him to "learn life lessons from being on a team."

We weren't in Kansas anymore.   

 

“There are only two options regarding commitment. You’re either IN or you’re OUT. There is no such thing as life in-between.”
— Pat Riley
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That game was a demoralizing one.  And so would the next 10 games.  It was like watching the Mighty Ducks.  But there was no end to the losing.  These other teams were being dropped off in Rolls Royce's and Bentley's.  College's scouting from the sidelines.  These were 5th and 6th graders people!!!!  Geeeeeez.  Cole cried.  And cried a lot.  He's not an aggressive kid and has never been super physical.  He quit jui jitsu because he didn't like fighting.  And there I go throwing him in the mix with a bunch of growling, sweating rich little misfits.  Crimony what have I done.  I had to literally DRAG him to games.  He hated it.  And I didn't blame him.  

Then something changed. 

He came off the field in the one of the first games crying. 

"Mom, I'm scared." 

If you have ever felt guilt as a parent, this was one of those moments.  What have I done?  What was wrong with me?  Why was I doing this to him?  Myself? 

Because.  

Life was going to slash him like these scary boys on the field.  And he needed to know he could handle it.  He needs to know life is hard and is going to throw you some serious curve balls.  So with tears streaming down his face, I grabbed his helmet and had a pep talk off to the side of the field in the middle of the game with him.

"Cole.  You're a Hawaiian white boy.  You've been raised on an island riding dirt bikes, fishing, surfing huge waves, free diving, spear fishing, and fighting because your skin is white and your hair is blonde.  You are fast and furious.  You can take these boys.  You're the toughest island boy I know.  Go show them who is boss.  NOW."

Everything changed after that.  Cole realized he WAS tough and he WAS fast and he could be super physical and play a mental game too.   

From there on out, Cole spent a LOT of time in the penalty box and was known for being the kid that could be counted on to take dudes down.  I couldn't be prouder.  He held his chin up and strutted his bad boy self.  All 82lbs.  

They lost every game.  

But instead of losing 15-0, they started losing 5-3 and in the final "loser" bracket, Cole scored an amazing goal within the first thirty seconds which had most of us parents in tears.  After a double overtime, braveheart finish, we lost, again.  The funny thing was though, we saw these boys come together and start out barely being able to catch and throw the ball to an amazing team who had a flow and a chemistry I'll never soon forget.  They all cheered and came together in huge hugs and laughs.  

They were winners to us.   

And yes, Cole is still playing lacrosse and wants to play for Syracuse someday.  

(Better start studying kid.)

 

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!”
— Archie Griffin

Nothing can come of nothing. So leave the camera out!

I love how I'm supposed to be doing all these other things, and one thing leads to another and all of a sudden I'm working on baby books and digging thru old boxes filled with photos.  (Focus Stephanie.  Focus for once in your life.)

I've been 100% into photography for five years now.  My earliest memories of photography is my Mother pregnant with my baby sister Shelley, and being in the darkroom processing nudes.  She wasn't a professional.  But boy did she have a talent.  I remember everything being film and being raw and amazing.  She shot lots of typical things, but lots of nudes which as a child I was of course so interested.  She cross processed and I have a vague memory of seeing clouds on a woman's vagina. 

Thanks for inspiring me Mom.

Wendy Laurel has also been one of my biggest inspirerers.  (I know that's not a word.  But you get it.)  I'm sure you have heard me mention her name or have seen our work/children intertwined.  She's my former sister in law who I lived next door to for ten years.  We've raised our babies side by side.  I saw her start taking amazing photos of her children, and I wanted to do the same.  So she told me to go buy a DLSR camera (uh what????) and start shooting.  Canon Rebel in hand and off shooting flowers I went.  Wendy has given me TONS of amazing photographic advice.  But the best I've EVER been given?  Leave the camera out of the case.  Leave it on the counter.  And shoot.  Shoot everything.  Get on the ground and shoot up.  Get on a chair and shoot down.  Whatever you do, don't put that camera away in it's bag or case.  

Why? 

Because you'll miss the most important shots you'll ever take in your entire life. 

Kids hugging.  Lovers loving.  Dogs smiling.  An introvert laughing.  Or maybe like the shot below which will be something I treasure forever, all because I took my camera to the pool.   

Love you Mom and Gordon.  And Happy Anniversary you lovebirds.  19 fab years!!!

And thank you Wendy.  Thank you for teaching me how to never let a moment pass me by without having that camera ready to rock and roll.  Because out of every shoot I've ever done, the ones that aren't planned are ALWAYS the best.  

 

xoxo

"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs.  Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes.  Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears.  What is it else?  A madness most discreet, a choking gall and a preserving swe…

"Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs.  Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes.  Being vexed, a sea nourished with lovers' tears.  What is it else?  A madness most discreet, a choking gall and a preserving sweet."  

-William Shakespeare

 

 

 

Just Gorgeous

Encinitas
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Beautiful people.  Thanks Linder Family.   

ConGRADulations.

We had a big thing for Cole graduating last year from 5th grade on Maui.  Then we moved to California and found out 6th grade was still in Elementary school.  Cole was upset that he'd be going to school with "babies" yet I explained to him it was a good opportunity to be the big man on campus again.  Plus, who wants to start a new school AND be the new kid?  (Plus, we all know secretly Demi was super stoked to have her big brother around one more year.)  Two months in to school and Cole didn't want to go.  He told me he didn't have friends.  The truth was, neither did I.  So I made a pact with the kids.  The only way we were going to meet new people and make friends was to be vulnerable and "put ourselves out there."  Lean in so to speak......  I'm so proud of all of us for getting out of our comfort zone and making that happen.  Good things come out of your comfort zone.  So take a plunge and make things happen.  

Lovely Lady Humps.

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Need I say more? 

Fun Fun Fun Till Your Daddy Takes Your T-Bird Away......

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For some reason I feel like living in a beach town in Southern California means the Beach Boys are playing constantly in the background.  I don't know why I feel that way.  I grew up in Oregon and whenever we visited our relatives (in a very long car ride in the back of a station wagon usually) in Southern California it was like I was "heading towards the light."  The sight of the first palm tree meant we were in the Holy Land.  The land of sand, blonde surfer boys and Hollywood.  Why was that so exciting to me?  Why weren't the Subarus, Birkenstocks and bearded men enough for me?  Was it the sun I craved?  Less clothes?  I was ALWAYS envious of the surf mentality my parents grew up with.  Beach blanket bingo.  Annette Full-of-Jello, Frankie Avalon.  Such a great time.  Maybe that's why I ended up on Maui for so many years.  

(Only to realize surfers annoy the SHIT out of me.  Get a job...  Sorry son.)  

Anyway. 

Wish they all could be California girls.....

 that's what they said.  

Now I am.  And so is my baby girl.  

We're going to............

​​Last Christmas I surprised the kids.  I told them they wouldn't be getting a bunch of crappy toys to open, no junk.  Just one big gift.  They also had not seen their father in awhile, so I arranged for him to fly in from Maui late Christmas Eve and to be on the couch when they woke up.  (We are divorced.)  Fun stuff...  Sorry it took me almost six months to finish.  Better late than never.  And pardon Cole's filthy mouth......  

And yes.  

I'm a totally cheesy Mom who wears orange sweat pants and likes to make "films."  ​

More Evolution.....

More family evolution from the archives.  ​

The Denigris Family.​

I take full credit and responsibility for this family.  Imagine 7th grade where your friend tells you she likes a dude, then you go straight to that dude and tell him this super hot friend of yours likes him and he should like her back because they would be totally awesome together.  (In my best valley girl voice ever.)​

​Now pretend that's real life but in grown up world and at a job nonetheless.  

Yep.  Suzanne liked Brian.  I told Brian.  Brian already liked Suzanne.  We all worked together.  Double date time, and, and, and, and.....BAM love happened to these two favorite souls of mine.​

Love.  Then marriage.  Then baby in the baby carriage.  ​

And a gorgeous baby at that.....​

Their engagement photo was the first real photo shoot I had ever done for someone.  I still think that shot is my all time favorite.  A little pre-shoot vodka never hurt anyone.....  Such beauties these two.​

Don't laugh though.  You can see the evolution of my photo taking.  I've really taken my time with this craft.  And you know what?  It doesn't matter what you are shooting with if you know what light is and how to use it.  ​

Peace out.​

“The greatest gift of life is friendship, and I have received it.
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— Hubert H. Humphrey

Bittersweet and the C-word

Last October I went back to Maui.  I only moved to San Diego in August, but had a few good reasons to get back on the rock.​  I got to shoot a beautiful wedding in Makena along with all of my longtime clients and their families.

But the main reason, was that damn C-word.  Cancer.​

After a few months of excruciating back pain, my Stepdad Gordon finally received the diagnosis we all feared.  Cancer.  Lung Cancer.  And that other awful word-  metastasize.  UGH.​

His cancer was wide-spread.  But luckily his beautiful brain had not been touched.  So began the fight for his life.  I arrived and was shocked at his appearance and the sheer severity of his condition.  Gaunt and not peach-skinned.  Wtf. ​

My Sister's and I flew in from Indonesia, me from San Diego and my big Sister there locally to pitch in and help take him to radiation every day and make sure he ate and took his many medications on time.  (His pain was so excruciating at this point, he was on morphine and also break-through medication 24 hours a day because of a tumor on his spine)  ​

It was shocking to say the least.  I asked him questions about his life I knew I would never have the chance to ask again.  Who knows how long he had.  The reality is, who knows how long any of us have?  Why don't we take a special interest in EVERYONE like that?  Who was this man I considered like a Father to me for the last 20 years and why have I not asked him more personal questions?  I enjoyed our chatting.  I knew in my gut he was not going to beat this.  ​

I shoved my camera in my parent's faces.  They were less than thrilled.  Whatever.​

Fast forward to May..............​

Gordon is about 125 lbs.  His tumor in his right lung has grown significantly.  His left upper lung has collapsed.  He's still walking and talking but his breathing is bit more labored and he's tired with very little appetite.  The doctors have referred my parents to hospice because the reality is, it's that time.  We don't know how long, but his time is running out.  ​

:( ​

Sad face.​

I was hesitant to tell any of this story or show any of these photos because my parents are so private.  But, what the heck.  ​

More this weekend...​

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Take as many photos as you can.  

LOVE THE ONE YOU'RE WITH.​

Ask people questions about themselves.​

​Be nice

​Please help my folks eat.  Here is an online calendar for meal drop offs.  My mom is still working full time (has to for $$$ and medical insurance) and meals are the biggest help for both of them during this very difficult time.  Peace out.

http://www.mealtrain.com/?id=muyt5e270dht

Be Brave and True...This is what 12 looks like.

Holy moly.  My boy is 12.​

Sniff.  Sniff.  ​

​Time you thief!  

​Presents are changing.  Birthday parties have no hats or whistles.  Cakes have turned into doughnuts and whatnots.  Deep breath......  I had to beg for him to let me photograph him.  I also had to beg him to shower.  (Really?  Do we REALLY have to argue about the shower everyday?)  And of course I pick out the birthday card with a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote.  Sigh........

​I'm enjoying this boy of mine.  A skinny bundle of attitude, old-soulness that is mind blowing and intuition that is HYPER accurate.  Thanks Cole.  

Thanks for making me proud to be your Mother.  

Be proud and be true.  ​

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P.s. I made a photo wall with prints from Instagram.  I tacked hemp twine on the wall and used baby clothes pins to hold the photos.  Thanks to Krista Newman who gave me the idea.  Walgreens will upload directly from your iPhone to their store in a matter of minutes which is super handy and pretty cheap.  ​

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Fine Art.

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This is art in life.  ​

​Dark.  Deep.  Mysterious, and somewhat haunting.  Kinda like life.

Not everything is smiles and rainbows in this world.  I know people that are dealing with all sorts of demons, problems, issues, illnesses and ​grievances.  So many of us put on a smiley face when inside there are no smiles, but instead worries and stress and sadness.  I'm sorry to everyone and anyone who's heart is broken and down.  Life is so unfair sometimes, especially when you realize your best still isn't good enough.

Keep trying.  Don't give up.  Your time is coming.  ​

In spite of all the darkness, one candle in a stadium of darkness will still be seen.  ​

In lieu of a smiley, rainbow, bright sunny post, I decided to post some of my favorite images.  Images that are reminiscent of dark and light and REALITY.  Sometimes the most real images are the ones where no one is smiling.  

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Jardine Family from Texas

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I LOVED this shoot.  Not only was this family super easy to work with, they rented this awesome pad at Baby Beach in Lahaina.  I remember when this house was built.  I always loved the "Nantucket" styling.  And even their clothes matched the house.  After a few temper tantrums, the little baby of the family became my best "poser" and her teenage sister joined in as well.  Can't go wrong with this many hams.  Thanks Jardine family from Texas.  You guys are gorgeous and I hope to work with you again someday.  This is a very classic "Stephanie Sheveland" type shoot.  

Beautiful people.  ​