Four years of clever and ridiculous Christmas updates left until I am an empty nester. The time is ticking away as fast as the speed of light and I'm holding onto every moment I can.

Here are the juicy bits:

Cole is a junior at Hakuna Matata High School, a school where Toyotas, vaping, dancing hula and surf squad trump academics. Apparently all the beatings have paid off as he's developed into a very fine young man full of piss and kombucha. Late or otherwise absent appearances have been replaced with teachers pet status, honors Chemistry and a front row parking spot. Complaining, soapless showers and the perma-sulks have also been replaced with A's and B's and a desire to go to college. College!!!? I don't know how I'll break it to him his college account was spent on ski vacations and dyeing my hair blonde. Sorry kid. Good thing he has a bright future in video gaming. #playstation4life #blondesdonthavemorefun

He still has long hair that is a mystery. More on that later.

Cole prefers a two foot space between us at all times, especially when sitting on the couch. Also he has instructed me to not walk too close to him in public because, "people think we are couple and I might throw up." I still sneak in a peck on his cheek every morning and noticed he now has 17 whiskers on his chin. I have 18 therefore I win. #manface

Sigh.

Cole has a truck.

Not a hot wheel but a real live Toyota truck. After replacing the alternator, starter, blinker fluid, wipers, belts of all kind and adding sub-woofers, speakers, and rainbow LED foot lights (per Little sister request,) he realized car ownership wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. It didn't bring a girlfriend like he was promised and his wallet is now much thinner. Nonetheless, he has heaps of new, non-driving, non-gas paying friends to show for his hard work. Happy for you kid. Now go to the grocery store.

#toyota4eva

After having braces for close to 12 years, (they won't take them off until you pay them off.) Demi finally got them removed. We can now embrace this young lady without fear of losing an eye or perhaps an entire paycheck. (I'm starting the dental fund now for my unborn fetal grandchildren.) Not sure if dentistry is science-based anymore or just "we want all your money" based. Nonetheless she's a stunner and even though I offered the entitled dentist more moo-lah to keep them on longer, he refused. I hope Cole is ready for boxing classes.

#stayawayboys

I recently asked Demi if she wanted a yearbook and she replied, "I want no memory of middle school." I guess middle school still sucks and every 14 year old girl is vulnerable to the disdain it most certainly brings.

#middleschoolblues

Demi decided (based solely on watching Japanese Anime) that marrying a Japanese ninja and eating ramen was her life dream. Then she realized after many hours of googling Japanese men that most were NOT in fact Blonde with big muscles. They were more "hey go make me some ramen and be my geisha" so she went back to a life of celibacy and reading "50 Shades of Middle School Boys." Back to the drawing board my love. Better luck next time.

#asianpersuasianisntthatstrong

I am still slinging timeshare and photography.

This year I actually made a living; Enough to get off food stamps and fly across the globe to the beautiful city of Paris! (Demi, that actually came out of YOUR non existent college fund!). Growing up my travels consisted of frequent station wagon rides, hiking, camping and hoping to catch a glimpse of a black person, so this was pretty exciting! (Enjoying the diversity of Oregon was, well, lacking.) Despite what everyone said about the French, they were rude and smoked like chimneys. Their palaces were amazing and their French fries were to die for, however The Mona Lisa was smaller than I thought it would be, and annoyingly enough the entire country seemed to speak English. I also got called a bitch and was made fun of for being from the U.S.

#ididntvoteforhim

With tiny houses and Essentialism being the in-thing these days, I decided to pose a challenge to the kids. "How tiny can we go?" We decided that 450 square ft was PLENTY for three people to live in along with the sizable attitudes and egos that go along with it. If you want to learn how to TRULY live In the moment and with just the necessities, Just swing by our shoebox and we will show you the way. The diversity in nothingness is incredibly exciting. We dare you to give it a whirl.

#smallspacesbutbiglove #sorrycostco #nocartrule

In the spirit of honesty, I urge you to pause, take a deep breath, love the one your with, enjoy your good health if you have it, have compassion for the folks who don't, and live like today will be your last.

Auvoir and Aloha,

Stephanie

Enjoy the oncoming barrage of shameless selfies, transgendered-style makeup, showpony posing and my hot boyfriend. #sorrynotsorry #hopeyoumadeitinthisyearsphotos

p.s. See if you notice a theme in this diatribe....... if you pay any attention to politics you will!